Vibes, Vibes, Vibes.

An NFL team’s “vibes” consist of a complex broth of recent performance, expectations, coach/owner/superstar messaging, clutch-moment successes/failures, biorhythms, and vibes. (That’s not redundant. It’s recursive.)

“Vibes” and “narrative” are often used interchangeably. “Narrative” is the pejorative form of “vibes.” If someone palpably feels the vibes but wishes to reject them, that individual dismisses them as “narrative.”

Anyone who doesn’t believe in vibes needs to spend a dinner date with a squabbling couple, or visit a Manhattan douche-bag bar at happy hour, or (for better vibes) visit the local farmer’s market on a crisp autumn Saturday. Now, transfer that good-or-bad energy into an NFL locker room after a convincing win, heartbreaking loss, devastating injury or controversial press conference. Vibes can sustain and nourish a fairly ordinary team (Colts) or poison a mega-talented one (gosh, I just cannot come up with an example).

So without further ado, let’s rank all 32 NFL teams’ vibes from best to worst, in what is little more than a flimsy excuse to cover the Monday night doubleheader and empty my notebook of press conference quotes and leftover gags.

New England Patriots

The NBC Sunday Night Football halftime show produced a short Patriots segment where they revealed that Drake Maye was just the third quarterback under the age of 24 to throw for over 200 yards and a passer rating over 100.0 in five consecutive games.

And just like that, a part of me died. Just a little speck of grey matter, one which contained a quantum of joy: the thrill of finding gifts from Santa under the tree, perhaps. Poof! Gone forever! Cause of death: the most diabolically custom-configured bullshit statistic this side of a Surgeon General’s memo linking autism to circumcision.

To be clear: Maye is playing very well. So are the Patriots, though their four wins consist of an impressive Bills upset and three puppy parties.

Unfortunately, a noisy segment of the Patriots fanbase wants the season stopped now so Maye can be given the MVP Award and the team can host a Rebuild-is-Over parade. It is almost as if these Bradynauts remember Mac Jones’ rise and fall, and therefore doth protest too much. Anyway, the Patriots fanbase is vast, many major media voices have New England roots, and ESPN is headquartered in greater Patriots country. The content models therefore dictate that some poor NBC intern must spend hours fiddling with Stathead in search of statistical proof that Maye is the next AllenBradyJesus.

Is Mike Vrabel buying into the hype? Almost certainly not. But the Patriots somehow face the Titans and Browns over the next two weeks; UConn and Cornell apparently had other obligations. How shrill will the Maye hype be if/when the Patriots are 6-2? Will Vrabel really be able to get the team to tune it out? If so, he may truly be the culture rebuilder the Patriots needed.

Until then, enjoy the sugar rush. Just go easy on the statistical Twinkies.

Carolina Panthers

Rico Dowdle is a Madden Create-a-Player made flesh; we are all trapped as pixelated background sprites in his MyCareer mode.

The Panthers have won two shootouts since Dowdle’s ascendence to the Aesir. Others, like Tet McMillan, are playing well. But the defense is dreadful, while Bryce Young can be charitably described as a “game manager.” Still, any success is giddy success for the Panthers, who haven’t looked this good since Cam Newton was the guy in the cape.

Atlanta Falcons

There may be no better feeling than beating the Bills on primetime television. Just ask the Patriots. Or ask Falcons coach Raheem Morris:

We want to be a playoff organization. We want to be able to go compete in those types of games and we played one tonight and there’s going to be no secret. Nobody is going to shy away from those moments. We’ve got to go do it, but those are the moments you want. Those are the moments you strive for.

Those are the things you dream about from a coaching standpoint, a playing standpoint, an ownership standpoint -- all of those things we want to be a part of and I think that was just something that we wanted to go out there show tonight.

Monday night’s victory over the Bills was the Falcons’ biggest victory since the 2016 NFC Championship Game. Bijan Robinson is doing what Saquon Barkley did last year. The Falcons defense is dangerous for the first time in a decade. And Michael Penix has buried his benching in the Week 3 Panthers shutout with a shovel, then buried the shovel.

“It showed that we’re one of the ones,” Penix said after Monday’s win. “This team is really good. This team is really legit.”

I would not go that far. When it comes to the Falcons, I am psychologically incapable of going that far. But if the Falcons look legit to themselves, it’s a sign of progress.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Baker Mayfield’s growth from the insouciant twerp who left college for the Browns into Lysander of Sparta has been the stuff of biopics.

Just listen to Mayfield gas up his depleted receiving corps – a bunch of Giants rejects and guys named Johnson – after Sunday’s Bucs victory over the 49ers in the Battle of Antietam. “I truly, genuinely trust the guys that are in there,” he said. “They’re ready. We talk throughout the week.

“It’s tough, it’s a hard-working group that loves playing for each other and playing with each other, and no matter what the circumstances are we’re gonna go fight.”

Excuse me while I crash through a brick wall for Mayfield. Or at least move those boxes into the garage, like my wife has been begging me to do since June. Or at least start a load of laundry. Maybe I will make some toast.

The Bucs would rank first on this list if not for their dire injury situation at wide receiver. Emeka Egbuka’s hamstring injury is a real buzzkill. The Bucs have some obstacles to overcome and a tough opponent (Lions) up next on their schedule. But it’s hard to question their mindset.

Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers are oinkers in slop. Mike Tomlin likes this earthy brand of football. Aaron Rodgers has discovered temporary serenity through marriage, hallucinogens, pierogies or some combination of all three. (In my experience, they’re a pretty tasty trifecta.) Their AFC North foes have straightened the path before them. Yet despite what looks like a golden ticket to the playoffs, the Steelers project a business-as-usual attitude. Maybe that’s because they were a surprise 8-2 team in 2024, started 7-3 in 2023, and have learned over many years that it’s how a team finishes that matters.

Indianapolis Colts

Likeability may be the Colts’ superpower.

Daniel Jones was always more mediocre than dreadful – he’s the box of baking soda that smells exactly as bad as the rotting vegetables and moldy cheese surrounding it – so it’s lovely to see him reclaim some dignity.

The Colts themselves have also been so mediocre-by-design for so long that the Hang the 8th Place Banner joke is as moldy as that cheese. Veterans like Zaire Franklin, Jonathan Taylor and Michael Pittman have waited years to be relevant. Quenton Nelson fit a whole three-act career mini-arc into the years when no one could bother to care about the Colts at all, let alone a Colts guard.

The national media sounds rather reluctant to rush MVP accolades onto Jones or anoint the Colts as the AFC’s Next Great Challengers. That’s what Drake Maye and the Patriots are for! The Colts roster is full of guys who know how quickly things can go south, and the team’s schedule is backloaded with tough tests. For a team like this one, tempered enthusiasm is the best kind.

Seattle Seahawks

Mike Macdonald isn’t the most compelling post-game speechifier. Listen to him here after Sunday’s win over the Jaguars. It sounds like he didn’t really watch the game and is just winging it.

“How many sacks?” Macdonald asks at one point. “A lot,” someone replies. That reminded me of the stock answer my general math students gave me when they weren’t paying attention. So if x is 100, then what is 120% of x? The answer, from the dude who smelled like a walking water bong: A LOT.

Fortunately, Macdonald’s actions speak louder than words. The Seahawks are competitive every week. They are gutting through an injury crisis in the secondary. Their “runnin’ and hittin’” identity is taking shape on both sides of the ball (and on special teams). The Seahawks may not be contenders just yet, but their DVOA figures are eye-opening. They are also no longer in a holding pattern. Do you know how much that matters? A lot!

Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs have been even-keeled under Andy Reid since before they were a dynasty. Heck, “even-keeled” is essentially Reid’s personal brand.

Sunday’s win over the Lions did not erase the Chiefs’ Monday night stumble against the Jaguars or their 1-2 conference record. But Rashee Rice is about to return from suspension, and the Chiefs currently have one of the NFL’s healthiest rosters.

Perennial powerhouses know how to manage expectations. The Chiefs are demonstrating what that looks like.

Denver Broncos

Yes, their 13-11 victory over the Jets was the type of game only a Tottenham Hotspur fan could love. But the Broncos trounced the Bengals on Monday night 15 days ago, flew to Philly to upset the Eagles on short rest, then flew across the Atlantic to notch their third straight victory. Do you really expect style points during an itinerary like that?

“It doesn’t have to be aesthetically pleasing,” Sean Payton said after the game. Payton is a connoisseur of grungy football and a rather level-headed self scout. With a two-game Giants-Cowboys homestand up next, the Broncos know they have a lot to improve upon, and miles to go before they sleep.

Los Angeles Chargers

Jim Harbaugh is Jim Harbaugh is Jim Harbaugh. When asked about Justin Herbert’s latest highlight-to-end-all-highlights, a gritty drive-and-dish dime to Ladd McConkey to set up a game-winning field goal against the Dolphins, Harbaugh was at his best: “That play will be burning in my mind until they throw dirt over top of me.”

Harbaugh is the mood-modulator, situation-contextualizer and tough-love cheerleader the Chargers need. He’s always ready for some football, even if he is forced to grab running backs and right tackles off the street.

There will still be considerable concern surrounding the Chargers until Joe Alt returns and the running game proves itself against an opponent that feels like tackling. But no matter how bad the injury report looks, the Chargers will never be an easy out, and Harbaugh will keep everything in his unique perspective.

Houston Texans

Back-to-back blowouts followed by a bye week have the Texans riding high. Their offensive line has stabilized. Their offense no longer consists of C.J. Stroud panic-heaving footballs to Nico Collins while three defenders make a club sandwich out of him. And the defense remains grrrrr.

The post-bye schedule looks tough. But the Texans look pretty tough, too.

Detroit Lions

Defensive back Brian Branch took a swing at Chiefs receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster after the 30-17 loss to the Chiefs. A junior-high cafeteria donnybrook ensued. Dan Campbell wasn’t mad. Just disappointed. “I love Brian Branch but what he did was inexcusable and it’s not going to be accepted here,” Campbell said. “That’s not okay. That’s not what we do here. And it’s not going to be okay. He knows it, the team knows it.”

(Sniffling and wiping tears at my desk on Monday morning) I’m sorry, Dad. It will never happen again. (Honks into a handkerchief)

Campbell knows when to go full Conan the Barbarian and when to downshift into Ward Cleaver mode. So defensive injuries and a lack of offensive spit-polish are a bigger issue for the Lions than vibes right now. Their upcoming schedule is loaded with games (Bucs, Vikings, Commanders, Eagles) that have serious playoff tiebreaker implications, with a much-needed bye coming in two weeks. The Lions need to shake off Sunday’s out-of-conference road loss ASAP. They probably will.

Los Angeles Rams

Puka Nacua is OK, right? He played a little in the second half against the Ravens after an early ankle injury. Sean McVay was just being dodgy and circumspect when he wouldn’t discuss Puka’s availability after the game. Right?

Nacua is probably fine, probably. And the Rams are 4-2. Yet they are 0-2 against NFC opponents, just two weeks removed from a loss to the 49ers practice squad, don’t seem to be firing on all offensive cylinders and are about to cross eight time zones to face the dangerous-to-themselves-and-others Jaguars.

At least no one is claiming Matthew Stafford is an imposter anymore. Faced with a stiff wind and some light drizzle on Sunday, the Rams were incapable of moving the ball until the Ravens started handing it to them with great field position. That’s totally the real Stafford.

Green Bay Packers

Packers fans stopped experiencing joy sometime in the mid-2010s. The organization, for its part, often projects a gloomy fatalism that comes with years of playoff heartbreaks, peppered with ties in high-profile “grudge matches” and close calls against Joe Flacco, and spiked with a long codependent relationship with one of earth’s most emotionally-toxic primates.

So it was unsurprising to hear Matt LaFleur get testy when asked whether rookie receiver Matthew Golden should get more than five targets, or at least be starting over Dontayvion Wicks. “It is what it is, guys,” LaFleur said after Sunday’s tougher-than-it-had-to-be win. “I know everybody wants us to force-feed guys the ball, but that’s really not how we’ve done it around here, and I don’t plan on changing that.”

No exciting rookie for you, Cheeseheads! Now smoke this whole carton of inconsistent veteran receivers!

Packers fans may also be wondering why Micah Parsons keeps working inside his blockers, when he should have been able to loop around the outside of the stadium and return in time to at least pressure Flacco on Sunday. But the Packers were denying their fans top-tier defensive coaching long before they were withholding WR1’s. You are either into it or are emotionally healthy not.

Chicago Bears

Keeping track of Bears vibes in the Caleb Williams era is an exhausting, thankless task.

On the one hand, the Bears came back to beat the Commanders! On the other hand, there was too much Bad Caleb: sacks, unnecessary hits, near interceptions, lots of scramble-to-the-right-and-fire-into-traffic die rolls. On the other other hand, the Bears defense forced three turnovers! On the other other other hand, “forced” may not be the right term, as the Commanders gift-wrapped two fumbles in the backfield for them.

The Bears have now won three straight, with back-to-back comebacks by 25-24 final scores. I am seeing this interpreted as a “culture change.” Since last year’s culture was essentially “burning meth lab,” I’ll allow that. But Williams looks more fortunate than fixed right now. And I’ll bet Ben Johnson agrees.

New York Giants

Forget Chekov’s Gun. The Giants are toying with Daboll’s Medical Tent.

Clumsy foreshadowing has tempered the excitement surrounding Jaxson Dart. Viewers are already predicting that Brian Daboll will get Dart creamed in a desperate bid to salvage his own career. It’s a grimy plot point that no one wants to see play out. But Daboll is making things up as he goes along, while Dart is overeager to run head-first through solid objects to prove his mettle.

Perhaps an NFL investigation and a public tut-tut from His Royal Majesty John Mara will remind Daboll that his bellicose brand of medical input is never welcome. Even so, Giants fans should be celebrating an Eagles upset and their feisty new quarterback during their mini-bye, not worrying whether Daboll will order Dart to tapdance through minefields in the hopes of an administration-saving 7-10 finish.

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars’ problem is that they think they’re normal. They assume football is supposed to feature lots of dropped passes, formation penalties and red-zone catastrophes.

Liam Coen, after lamenting his defense’s failure to apply pressure against the Seahawks (fair enough), offered this summation of Sunday’s loss. “They hit enough explosives, and we didn’t. That’s the reality. We didn’t get after their quarterback. They got after ours. They hit a couple big plays in the pass game, and we did not.”

Actually, Coach, you did “hit an explosive.” But you know that Heisman Trophy winner that you are trying to turn into the first full-time two-way player since Chuck Bednarik? It turns out that HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LINE UP, probably because he has so damn much on his plate. So he was offside on a Brian Thomas touchdown pass, which itself bounced out of a defender’s lap and into the receiver’s hands.

So the Jaguars are living out their own private delusion. But that should at least keep them from getting too down on themselves as they travel to London to face the Rams.

Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings are fueled by anti-vibes: the worse the injury report looks, the more likely they are to keep rolling natural 20s en route to a one-score victory.

J.J. McCarthy, however, may prove to be sugar in their gas tank. Preparing the latest backup quarterback to succeed behind a makeshift offensive line is very different than fretting over whether McCarthy’s Quarterback of the Future software downloaded properly.

Expectations have only grown higher for McCarthy since Carson Wentz led a pair of relief victories. If all the quasi-rookie has in his quiver is a can-do attitude and some rollout passes into the right flat, it could quickly cause an organization-wide confidence crisis.

Or maybe the Vikings will win 10 straight games on defense, opponents’ blunders and 58-yard field goals at the gun. Who knows? They’re weird.

Las Vegas Raiders

Pete Carroll admitted that he was “processing it poorly” when the Raiders started the season 1-4. “I did expect to win right out of the chutes,” he said.

Sunday’s win over the Titans may have soothed Carroll a bit, but it’s a discouraging sign when your old-timey culture-builder coach lapses into therapy-speak in early October.

After next week’s trip to Arrowhead, Carroll may find himself pining for either the rocking chair or (more likely) a college sinecure. Hey Coach, let me tell you about a cozy, chilly little place called Happy Valley …

New Orleans Saints

When you ain’t got nothin’, you ain’t got nothin’ to lose. – Kellen Moore.

San Francisco 49ers

Fred Warner’s injury may have been the straw that broke the 49ers’ resolve. Jauan Jennings and Kyle Shanahan were seen squawking on the sideline during Sunday’s loss to the Buccaneers. Jennings, who is basically a reanimated cadaver at this point, putting him in the second quartile of the 49ers roster from a health standpoint, remained testy after the game.

There’s always a little discontent simmering in Santa Clara, and it’s understandable that tempers are boiling over. The 49ers will either meat-grind through one of the gutsiest playoff pushes in history or take as many opponents out with them as they can. It has been downright inspiring to see players like Mac Jones cauterize their own wounds and limp back onto the field in recent weeks. But as the saying goes, “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones trolled Rico Dowdle before Sunday’s Cowboys loss to the Panthers, joking that “I can’t even get our guys to come to the field they’re shaking so bad,” after Dowdle said he was seeking vengeance against his former team.

Jones didn’t speak to the media after the loss, which is rare for him. The technical media term for his failure to address his previous comments is: being a soft widdle whiny-heiney who can’t face the music.

Brian Scottenheimer gave a postgame vote-of-confidence to coordinator Matt Eberflus, whose defense allows 180 rushing yards per game before stepping out of the tunnel. “Matt’s a great coach. Everywhere he’s ever been he’s had good defenses,” Schottenheimer said. “Matt’s trying. The players are trying.”

Cowboys votes of confidence only count if they come from the guy who is currently brooding in a darkened room with whiskey stains down the front of his shirt.

Washington Commanders

With the Lions, Eagles and other NFC contenders taking Week 6 losses, the Commanders had a chance to make a statement on Monday night against the Bears. Unfortunately, that statement was “We’re not ready yet.”

Blame injuries to Terry McLaurin and others. Blame the soggy field and windy conditions, which randomized the kicking game. But also blame Jayden Daniels for interceptions and botched exchanges, Quan Martin for that weaksauce tackling effort on D’Andre Swift’s touchdown and the Commanders run defense in general for not showing up for most of the game.

You can almost hear the 3-3 Commanders slinking into a corner and muttering, We’re still young and rebuilding! Wait until next year!

Buffalo Bills

When I joked last week that Eagles fans were freaking out over the Week 5 loss to the Broncos while Bills fans were much more chill about their loss to the Patriots, several Bills fans in the comments and on Bluesky assured me that I was wrong. Fair enough. I was taking the national perspective about the Bills: most non-Mafiosa think of them as a perennial contender that sometimes stumbles against divisional foes.

Well, now that the Bills (and Eagles) have lost two straight, you don’t need to be a made man to feel the energy. The Bills run defense allowed 170 yards to Bijan Robinson in Monday night’s 24-14 loss to the Falcons, meaning it would allow 340 to Rico Dowdle. Ed Oliver and Matt Milano are back, which means there is no more cavalry to ride to the defense’s rescue. The Bills offense mixes too many bouts of Josh Allen Hero Ball with cutesy-poo third-and-short tactics.

The Bills lost two straight at around this time last year. They started the 2023 season 4-2 and fell to 6-6 at one point. Still, Sean McDermott sounds like a man seeking answers.

“We’ve got to go back now, in addition to getting guys healthier, and we’ll see how that goes,” McDermott said. “We’ll figure out things on offense, defense and special teams. We’ve got to start over and start from ground zero and figure this thing out and work our tails off to do it.”

McDermott doesn’t sound like a man who knows what his next step will be.

Philadelphia Eagles