Round Up the Usual A**holes

Aaron Rodgers needs a new creative team. The character has gotten dull. The storylines have grown repetitive and stale.

Comic book legend Steve Ditko created Rodgers in 2005. To this day, Rodgers retains all the hallmarks of a classic Ditko creation, including lithe, angular features and objectivist-leaning politics. Ditko crafted an underdog origin story for Rodgers as Brent Favre’s oft-neglected sidekick, making Rodgers one of the most compelling, popular characters of the early-2010s.

Chris Claremont took over writing duties later in the decade. Claremont further emphasized Rodgers’ Ayn Rand leanings, making him more overtly anti-authority while casting him as a flawed antihero or complex antagonist. Rodgers began giving long, florid soliloquies during this period, smiting everyone from Packers management to the mass media with the focused totality of his scorn. He asked no quarter, and none was given. It took ever-expanding narration boxes to explain just what the hell was going on. Artists like Frank Quitely gave Rodgers a grittier look to go with his increasingly-brittle personality.

Peter Milligan took over when Rodgers joined the Jets. Fans were initially ecstatic. Milligan turned the Rodgers saga into a meditation on media manipulation and the culture of fame. Rodgers was less of a quarterback than a source of meta-commentary on hero worship. Rodgers rarely did anything heroic anymore, becoming increasingly sensitive and protective of his image. Artist Mike Allred drew Rodgers with thicker lines and bolder colors, highlighting his inauthenticity by making him more of a caricature.

The Rodgers saga is currently in the hands of Kevin Feige and the muckity-mucks atop the Marvel org chart. He’s a played-out character in a once-vibrant cinematic universe that has been wheezing under the weight of audience fatigue and an inspirational drought for years. Writer/producers aren’t sure whether to recast Aaron Rodgers as an out-and-out villain, Robert Downey Jr.-style, or drag him back for one last cash grab like Old Man Jackman.

Take the most recent Rodgers plot “twists,” for example. He still has not re-signed with the Steelers. Insiders reported that he would meet with the Steelers last Friday, not to sign a contract but as part of some super-secret parliamentary procedure before signing. Later reports denied those initial reports. Rodgers indeed traveled to Pittsburgh over the weekend, but longtime Steelers reporter Gerry Dulac reported that he “stayed away from the team’s South Side facility while the three-day rookie minicamp has been going on.” So there is no contract and has been no meeting about a contract, just erroneous reports about a meeting about a contract: a once-towering individual reduced to ghosting on lunch dates to make himself feel important.

The latest Rodgers storyline is a Masterpiece Theatre costume drama of diplomacy and manners, but without the opulent gowns and scenery-gobbling British actors. Think Downton Abbey, on valium, in Western Pennsylvania. The pacing has been torturous. Fans have known the ending from the start: Rodgers will show up for training camp and perform his creaky junkballer routine for another exhausting year. The latest plot twist – Mike McCarthy LIVES – might have a little juice, but this long winter and spring of bowing, hinting and gesturing has done nothing but lower expectations and fuel skepticism.

So c’mon: let’s hire a new creative team. James Gunn can turn Rodgers into a foul-mouthed wisecracker with serious (SERIOUS) unresolved daddy issues. Jonathan Hickman could put a big chrome helmet over Rodgers’ face and make him ultra-Machiavellian; this might be a natural evolution of the character! Rian Johnson can send Rodgers around the world solving mysteries with a silly accent. Peach Mokomo could … OK, I don’t really understand what’s going on in Peach Nokomo’s comics, but she could easily turn Rodgers into a wistful watercolored hero or some metaphysical demon. Younger fans would dig it!

So please, end this Rodgers run and start a new one. Rodgers in retirement. Rodgers in politics. No wait, not that last one. Rodgers in irrelevance? Perfect. Comics publishers often give played-out legacy characters an extended break. The Steelers just need to show a little courage and dignity. They could chart a new path for themselves and for a hoary old trope of a man who can’t even be bothered to go through the motions of going through the motions anymore.

The Steelers won’t. Rodgers will be back. This stealth marketing campaign does nothing for either brand, or for fan engagement. It just makes both parties look really sad and desperate.

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

The Browns were having a downright productive, optimistic offseason, especially by their standards. Then Trent Baalke showed up.

GM Andrew Berry, finally operating without Paul DePodesta scuttling about team headquarters like Cardinal Richelieu at Versailles, duct-taped together an entirely new offensive line out of thrift shop finds. He danced all over the draft board to thoroughly reshape the Browns’ receiver corps. Yes, Berry restructured Deshaun Watson’s contract again, but sometimes you gotta ask your squicky uncle for a loan if you wanna make rent. And Watson is participating in OTAs, which qualifies as a good thing under very narrow definitions of “good” and “thing.”

Even Shedeur Sanders sounds like a new man. He returned to University of Colorado to receive his diploma two weeks ago. That’s right: Shedeur attended classes at Colorado! Why, I’ll bet his campus homecoming went something like this …