Obligatory, Perfunctory A.J. Brown and Myles Garrett Trade Analysis.
This is just boilerplate Myles Garrett and A.J. Brown trade analysis. You really don't have to read it. It's not very inspired. I am deeply sorry if you are unimpressed. No refunds.
The Eagles traded A.J. Brown to the Patriots on Monday, June 1st, just as everyone knew they would. The compensation – a first-round pick and some change – was roughly what everyone thought it would be.
The Brown trade ended months of speculation which moldered into exasperation, so the final announcement was like a “plot twist” that was spoiled in the movie trailer. (Is Brown Star Fox? Discuss.) A clever journalist could have written analysis of the Brown trade on the Monday after draft weekend, at the absolute latest, and would barely have had to change a word yesterday. This clever journalist, sadly, did not.
The Rams, angry at not being the center of attention, upstaged the Eagles and Patriots by acquiring Myles Garrett from the Browns in exchange for Jared Verse and first- (2027), second- (2028) and third- (one year after the heat death of the universe) round draft picks.
Analysis of the Garrett trade boils down to: the rich get richer, the dumb get dumber. The trade was the most All-In move since the last Rams All-In move. The Rams aren’t playing poker; they are playing infinite solitaire. The Browns are playing Chutes and Ladders.
So the Brown trade was about as suspenseful as the obituary for a 99-year-old celebrity, while the Garrett trade feels like a tax break for billionaire slumlords. What can I possibly write about these trades that sounds fresh and inspired? Nothing! So perhaps I should write something self-consciously hackneyed instead:
Winners and Losers from the June 1st NFL News Cycle.
Winner: Mike Vrabel
The NFL’s reigning guilt-ridden Sad Dad finally gets to change the subject by giving the kids a shiny new toy. My dad did the exact same thing by buying me an electric guitar when I was 13! (Well, that kicks things off on a high note.)
Loser: Andrew Berry
He just built an entire offense out of draft-day somersaults, Dumpster dives and flea market scrounges, only to trade away the Browns’ only chance at a sneaky Wild Card berth for three draft picks that his successor will get to play with.
Winner: Ty Simpson
Simpson was still a first-round reach, but the Rams have now spelled out the galactic chess gambit that led to his selection. See, we knew we wanted to trade next year’s first-round pick, so we needed to find Matthew Stafford’s successor this year. Aren’t we ever-so-clever?
Sean and Les, the issue was never with drafting Stafford’s successor. The issue is that Simpson is an icky-poo prospect who will make Mitch Trubisky look like Josh Allen. But Simpson is now roughly the seventh biggest storyline of the Rams offseason, so no one will care.
Loser: Jared Verse
One minute, you are in Tinseltown making room on your finger for a Super Bowl ring. The next minute, you’re pricing McMansions in Pepper Pike and shaking hands with a ball boy who turns out to be Dillon Gabriel. Sorry, Jared: you must suffer so Garrett can thrive.
Winner: Howie Roseman
The Eagles GM managed to trade an untradable contract. He also rearranged the Eagles wide receiver depth chart so you can hardly notice that Brown is missing. Lots of knick-knacks and clutter will do that.
Loser: Howie Roseman
A 2028 first-rounder? “A pick is a pick,” Roseman said of the belated compensation for Brown. Roseman, of all people, knows that the NFL’s most precious commodity is time, and that the Patriots will be paying him a week from next Tuesday for a hamburger today.
At least Roseman, unlike Berry, knows he will still be on the job in 2028. Even if no one else is.
Winner: Dontayvion Wicks
He’s the closest thing to a big, A.J. Brown-shaped receiver on the Eagles roster. So Wicks will likely inherit Brown’s deep boundary role, which is a pretty big role for a quarterback who thinks the short middle of the field is lava. Eagles fans will love Wicks until Jalen Hurts bounces his first 40-yard sideline bomb off the patio pavers Wicks calls hands.
Loser: Kayshon Boutte
The Patriots are going to have to trade one of their receivers. It won’t be Mack Hollins, who doubles as a special teams ace. Nor Kyle Williams, a second-year player who provided a handful of splash plays in the second half of 2025. Nor Demario Douglas, a natural fit in the slot. No, it will be Boutte, who does roughly what both Brown and Romeo Doubs do, and also has reasonable Blue Book value.
They’re gonna ship you to the first team with an injury rash at wide receiver, Kayshon. If you are lucky, it will be the 49ers. If not, it will be …
Loser: Malik Nabers
Giants reporter Ryan Dunleavy posted video of Nabers “playing dodgeball” at a Brian Burns charity event. Nabers looked like a great uncle who just underwent hip replacement surgery trying to shag grounders at a Little League picnic.
The Giants took one look at that video and signed Juju Smith-Schuster, Braxton Berrios and Odell Beckham. Yes, Odell Beckham. Seriously, it sounds like Jim Harbaugh and Joe Schoen were just playing “name some guys,” but their secretary got mixed up and started dialing numbers. They might have contacted Julian Edelman, Brandon Marshall and Gunner Olszewski, too. Never mind: Olszewski is already on the roster.
Nabers’ knee is borked, folks.
Winner: Chris Shula
He’s sure to become the hottest head coaching candidate in the NFL now that the Rams will be able to produce six-sack/five-turnover shutouts by rushing four defenders and playing man coverage behind them. Every tiny wrinkle Shula installs (OMG Trent McDuffie is in the slot and Garrett is stunting! It's like watching Mozart conduct The Magic Flute!) will be hailed as sorcery, then mysteriously stop working when he’s coaching the Jets in 2026. It’s called the Brandon Staley Effect.
Losers: Seattle Seahawks
Not only must they face Garrett twice this season, but the Seahawks get the Brown-enhanced Patriots in the season opener. The Seahawks must now hope that the Rams special teams really, really, REALLY stink in 2026.
Winner: Nolan Teasley
The Vikings announced Teasley, a former Seahawks deputy, as their new general manager while no one was paying attention on Monday.
I thought “interim” GM Rob Brzezinski, a longtime behind-the-scenes Vikings exec, would hire himself. Perhaps I underestimated Brzezinski’s distaste for a front-facing role. Perhaps Brzezinski heard J.J. McCarthy describing his relationship with Kyler Murray as if it were the first 30 minutes of The Breakfast Club and thought, Better create a buffer between myself and this mess.
Anyway, the big winner here is that shadowy consulting firm that collected a hefty check by advising the Vikings to interview the second-in-command to the fellow who just won the Super Bowl. I really need to get into this consulting racket.
Winners: The Sports Books
DraftKings posted the Rams at +600 to win the Super Bowl after the Garrett trade. As of early Tuesday morning, the site claimed that 8,500 suckers took the bet.
A +600 moneyline implies a 14.3% probability of winning the Super Bowl. While the Rams are certainly reasonable Super Bowl favorites, no one has a 14.3% implied probability of winning the Super Bowl right now. The house always wins, folks.
When doing your own analysis of the Garrett/Brown trades, remember that Garrett is replacing Verse, a Pro Bowl-caliber edge rusher in his own right. Garrett represents a marginal improvement, unlike Trent McDuffie, who filled a massive need. Marginal improvements are a big deal when a team is already a Super Bowl shortlister. But if you are penciling in two more wins for the Rams because of Garrett, your calculations may have always been a little off.
Also, the Patriots are still only getting a +1600 moneyline to win the Super Bowl. That's because Brown is a wide receiver, not a schedule-maker.
Loser: Me
I must rewrite the Rams FTN Almanac chapter in light of the Garrett trade. I must revise the Giants chapter a bit because of the Nabers news, plus write a player comment for Odell Freakin’ Beckham in anno domini 2026. I can finally start on the Eagles chapter, but it’s unusual to start a team chapter in June. Deadlines are looming. And I am tired, so very tired.
But this is it, right? Brown is traded. Garrett is traded. Aaron Rodgers is ensconced in Pittsburgh. Breaking News Szn is finally over. The Almanac team can finish our jobs and finally dial down the workload until late July. Right? Please?
Somewhere in Northern California, a 49ers player is filling the back of his luxury SUV with fireworks and inviting three teammates over for a Fourth of July picnic. And I, for one, do not like it one bit.
