Everything's Gonna Be Just Fine.

EXCLUSIVE INSIDER REPORT: Sources tell me that Matthew Stafford’s herniated disc is fully healed. In fact, it was never injured in the first place. He simply took a few veteran rest weeks at the start of camp. Stafford is ready to not just resume practice later this afternoon, but also go skydiving, parasailing and help random neighbors move mattresses into third floor lofts. Sources tell me: “anyone concerned about Stafford’s prolonged absence was just overreacting to a silly media narrative, you fools. Make sure you quote that verbatim or our agency’s PR staff will cut you from the media text chain, Tanier. Don’t cross us, you know damn well you are dangling by a thread.”

Oops, I don’t think I was supposed to cut ‘n’ paste the last part.

Just Happy to Be in the Eagles Secondary

Kelee Ringo tried to cover Ja’Marr Chase last Thursday night and promptly burst into flame like a bug on a sidewalk under a magnifying glass. Chase caught a sideline out-route in front of Ringo, who was giving him a Once Upon a Mattress cushion, then spun the third-year cornerback around to a beautiful oblivion for an easy touchdown.

Adoree’ Jackson also got burned by the Bengals starters last Thursday night, but Jackson arrived in Philly as charcoal. Jackson, a former Titans first-round pick, was an adequate starter in his best years. But Jackson turns 30 in mid-September and spent the last four years being just good enough to not get cut by the Giants. Expectations were low. Probably not low enough.

Ringo and Jackson were competing for the starting job at cornerback opposite Quinyon Mitchell. Howie Roseman’s Spider-Sense was tingling about the dangers of a weak link in the secondary (see December, 2023), so he traded for Jakorian Bennett just before last week’s Bengals marshmallow roast. Bennett was unimpressive in two seasons with the Raiders, but sometimes you just have to throw bodies at a problem.

Eagles fans seeking reassurance at cornerback will enjoy Martin Frank’s Saturday feature in the Delaware News Journal. Defensive coordinator Vic Fangio told Frank that the Eagles were playing Cover-0 defense (no safety help for the cornerbacks) on the Chase touchdown, something they would never do against the Bengals in a real game. Ringo, in that sense, was placed in the old Kobayashi Maru no-win scenario.

Still, Fangio was displeased at just how quickly Ringo succumbed to the Romulan Warbirds. "I’m not upset that the guy caught the ball on him," Fangio said. "I’m upset that he didn’t tackle. He’s gotta realize where he is on the field, use the sideline, realize who he’s going against. Those are all things you gotta process and factor in a millisecond, and he didn’t do a good job of that on that play.”

Ringo was a size-speed project as a fourth-round pick out of Georgia in 2023. He was thrust into action as a rookie during the Eagles’ late-season meltdown, then played mostly on special teams last year. He turned 23 in June, so he’s still a quasi-prospect. He’ll never be capable of covering the likes of Chase on an island. But Ringo had a hard time with the Bengals’ backups last Thursday as well. So did Jackson.

Ringo, Jackson, Bennett and [your name here] aren’t precisely competing for the CB2 job. Slot defender Cooper DeJean is the CB2, which makes sense in a league where many top receivers spend a surprising amount of time in the slot. Fangio prefers to line up his cornerbacks by sides. Last year, Mitchell was the right cornerback, covering the offensive left side. Darius Slay played left cornerback. So Ringo’s No-Starr Band will be tasked with whichever receiver lines up on the offensive right.

The Eagles face the Cowboys in the season opener, so let’s put things in Cowboys terms. CeeDee Lamb lines up all over the field but is most dangerous in the slot, where he caught 58 passes on 85 targets (per Sports Info Solutions). DeJean will theoretically cover Lamb, though Fangio will provide deep help and scheme up all sorts of deviltry. George Pickens was far more dangerous on the left side of the formation (24-444-1 on 46 targets) than the right (10-181-1 on 15 targets) for the Steelers, though he also played a lot of slot (25-272-1 on 40 targets). We’re crossing teams and schemes with Pickens, but let’s assume that he’s more likely to line up across from Mitchell or DeJean than the mystery cornerback.

That leaves the Ringo Gang covering Jalen Tolbert, which sounds reasonable. Except that Brian Schottenheimer, for all his flaws, isn’t the Madden AI. He’ll slide Lamb or Pickens to the right to attack RingAdoreJak. Fangio will respond by making Man-2 coverage look like Cover-3 when it’s really Cover-6, except that it’s actually Man-2. Fun chess match! Except that one of Fangio’s knights may be the thimble from Monopoly.

Eagles fans had greater anxieties to process after Sunday’s open practice: Pro Bowl guard Landon Dickerson suffered a meniscus injury. The Eagles could spackle a little hole in the secondary OR their historically-great offensive line and remain on the Super Bowl shortlist. But not both. Fortunately, Dickerson’s injury is not as serious as it initially looked, and he may be ready for the season opener.

No one said repeating would be easy.

EXCLUSIVE INSIDER REPORT: Matthew Stafford was seen wandering around Rams headquarters during practice in his pajamas. He then sought medical treatment from a conversion van blaring a Molly Hatchet 8-track parked behind a Pioneer Chicken stand two blocks from the facility.

UPDATE: The creepy conversion van Matthew Stafford visited during Rams practice is actually a Mobile Holistic Health and Wellness Performanarium operated by a company called Immoralcon, which offers the following FDA-approved services to wealthy clients whose discs are 100%, positively not herniated: homeopathic massage, aromapuncture, gong benching, onanistic meditation, magnesium cupping, Brazilian ideation waxing, sensory underload therapy, hypnocolonoscopies and Reiki smoothies made with crushed ice from the frozen tears of penitent harlots. An Immoralcon spokesperson assured me that Stafford will soon achieve a “chakra-aligned body-spirit convergence which will attune his biorhythms to the fundamental universal frequency.” She also gave me a coffee mug and a tote bag.