As Faithful As Their Options

Call them the Baltimore Runaway Brides.

The giddy, blushing Ravens said Yes! to Maxx Crosby. They offered a steep dowry to the Raiders. They went through the engagement and arrangements. They invited us all to the chapel. I bought them a damn blender.

But then Eric DeCosta watched Tyler Linderbaum leave: to the Raiders, no less. Then Isaiah Likely and Dre’Mont Jones also left. Then Charlie Kolar and Jordan Stout. Yes, the punter too!

DeCosta’s feet turned to liquid nitrogen. He began daydreaming about those first-round picks the Ravens traded for Crosby. How would the Ravens even make ends meet after such an expensive wedding? Would Crosby and the Ravens be happy together while barely scraping by?

And there was Trey Hendrickson, the unexpected wallflower at the tampering orgy, a tough-guy edge rusher with his mind on his money, just like Crosby. Sorry, Maxx: you can’t call it cheatin’ if he reminds them of you.

So do you, Baltimore Ravens, take this undeniably gifted, perpetually-dissatisfied, not-quite-a-Proud-Boy to be your lawfully wedded defensive superstar, to pay and to placate, in sickness and in knee surgeries, for richer or for cap strapped, until he grouses that he wants out in 2028?

“We … We … We …”

Should anyone present know of any reason that these nitwits should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Cue Dr. Nick Riviera!

“Hi everybody! Stop the wedding! I studied Crosby’s MRIs and determined that he underwent knee surgery in January! Actually, I just searched the Internet; I couldn’t read an MRI if it came with subtitles.”

Phew. That sound you hear is a limo peeling out in the chapel parking lot.

What a plot twist. But wait: this is no mere telenovela, it’s a crabcake-flavored version of The Philadelphia Story! Decosta merely switched out the grooms: Crosby for Hendrickson, the indecisive bride choosing the less interesting fellow for a change. Does that make Linderbaum Jimmy Stewart’s character? Who cares? Roll the credits!

Now that the shock has faded, it looks like the Ravens got most of what they wanted: the edge rusher they need to remain a viable playoff team, their draft picks back, even a renegotiated Lamar Jackson contract.

Hendrickson is older than Crosby and a little less dominant on the field. But Hendrickson is usually content and motivated when well compensated, unlike Crosby, who is like Aaron Rodgers but with the ayahuasca swapped out for beef tallow.

The Raiders may still trade Crosby, though they are reportedly “prepared” to go back to treating him like Large Lord Fontleroy. The Raiders have the cap space to eat Crosby’s salary, even after spending lavishly on Linderbaum and others. They said nothing publicly that they need to walk back. Remember: this is a trade Crosby wanted, and it would have been a blockbuster worthy of his ego. The Raiders can frame the Ravens as the villains as part of their never-ending Crosby behavior management plan.

The Raiders lose the first-round picks the Ravens agreed to trade them, but they behaved professionally through this whole affair. Who thought the Raiders could emerge from any situation looking like the sympathetic characters?

Crosby might see Quay Walker, Nakobe Dean, Kwity Paye and Taron Johnson walking around the defensive side of the locker room and think, “This is fine.” He’s also probably a little embarrassed about what just happened, and he’s the sort of guy who will work through his feelings by working over opposing quarterbacks. The Raiders could get one more extra-angry-and-motivated year from Crosby out of this deal.

As for other interested parties: Linderbaum gets paid. A lot. So do Likely and the others. They were leaving Baltimore anyway, though it sounds like DeCosta deluded himself into thinking he had a shot with Linderbaum. The Raiders plan to honor the other contracts they agreed to, and it’s not like the Ravens can call the Giants and ask for their tight end and punter back. You can call off a wedding, but you can never get back the portion of your life that led to it.

Oh, and the Bengals, Hendrickson’s former employer? They signed capable, likeable, affordable Boye Mafe at the start of the week, then made themselves some Lipton Cup of Soup. The Bengals are more of a Grey Gardens-style documentary than a telenovela.

Oddly, there are no real losers here. Sure, DeCosta and the Ravens look like contemptable conmen right now. But runaway brides can often look callow, flighty, indecisive or even selfish until you look closer.

Marriages don’t begin with the wedding invitation. Trades aren’t official just because Adam Schefter tweets them. Lots of fans (and media) are mad, but that’s just because we were promised cake and an open bar. I can return my blender; I’ll take back half of what I wrote at the start of the week (about the Colts, for example) on the same trip.

The Raiders are pissed off, but the Raiders have operated on beefs and grudges for decades, and look where it gets them. The Ravens and Raiders don’t even play each other in 2026, so the grudge-match narrative potential of this hitch-with-a-hitch is limited.

The simple fact is that the Ravens weren’t ready for a Crosby-level commitment. They just fired their longtime head coach. Their roster is in transition. Their cap situation is a little messy. They need a little time to find themselves. But “finding yourself” is difficult, especially when also dealing with a minor case of we’re-still-contenders denial. Rushing to the altar with someone who you think can put you right back on top, never mind the cost and potential consequences? Far easier.

Anyway, the wedding is off. The soap opera has ended. The Ravens and Hendrickson are about to enjoy their honeymoon. The Raiders haven’t cleaned out Crosby’s bedroom yet. Everyone is happy, or at least content, or at least prepared to make the best of the situation.

I give ‘em all ten months before they are miserable again.