Thrice-Told Preseason Tales

The Commanders signed veteran offensive tackle D.J. Humphries earlier this week. You’re not going to believe this, but Humphries is 32 years old.

Oh wait, we did the "32-year old Commanders players” bit last week. You might have missed it, because it ended up in some spam folders for … reasons. 

It’s hard to not get a little repetitive right now. The end of the NFL preseason feels like summer rerun season. The NFL news cycle has been spinning its wheels in the mud.

For example, we’re still waiting for Aaron Donald to decide whether or not he wants to return to the Rams. Donald began flirting with the Rams after the early-June Myles Garrett trade. They’ve been making out under the boardwalk all summer long. But Donald keeps getting cold feet when it’s time to make a commitment. 

The Rams already gave you riches, Aaron. You wear their Super Bowl ring. What more do you want? An only-practice-when-you-feel-like-it clause? Myles Garrett and Matthew Stafford obviously have them, so that’s not a problem.

Do you want Les Snead to lasso the moon for you? Do you want to see Sean McVay eat a live cockroach on TikTok? I sure want to see that. But please, whatever it takes, just return so we can all talk about how your arrival transforms the Rams from Super Bowl favorites into prohibitive Super Bowl favorites. The will-they/won’t-they storyline got played out in July. 

In other unresolved preseason news, you are probably sick of the Falcons quarterbacks. Well, just imagine how the Falcons feel!

Michael Penix saw his first 11-on-11 action in an unpadded practice on Monday. Reports suggest that he looked like a still-unestablished quarterback throwing his first 11-on-11 passes of the year in an unpadded practice on August 24th. It doesn’t sound like much changed on Tuesday. Yet insider Ian Rapoport suggested that the Falcons may fast-track Penix past Tua Tagovailoa and into the starting lineup for Week 1.

Has anyone run this past Penix? He seemed really happy safely tossing 7-on-7’s like a redshirt freshman all spring and summer.

Maybe Kevin Stefanski has finally realized that it doesn’t matter which brittle, jittery lefty begins the year at quarterback, because he’s going to need both of them, and probably Cooper Rush, Jack Strand and Matt Ryan as well. If that's the case, it sure took Stefanski long enough to figure out what the rest of us knew in March.

Mike Evans missed practice for the 49ers on Monday and Tuesday with a groin injury. Evans returned to practice last Sunday, only to leave after running a deep route. Evans missed practices last week with a quad injury. It’s getting difficult to keep track of his comings and goings. Niners reporters are so very tired.

Maybe Evans is on some super-secret load management plan, like Christian McCaffrey is supposedly on, and we are all overreacting because the media has cooties. 

“Obviously when you don’t practice, the way the media works now, is a firestorm,” McCaffrey said on Sunday. 

I must have missed this firestorm, since most 49ers injury news I have seen was about Evans, George Kittle or Nick Bosa. But yes, Christian, reporters indeed get curious when a player of your magnitude is absent from practice. Fun fact: your $100 million in career earnings comes from the public’s fascination with your athletic prowess, not your ability to cure diseases or build self-driving cars that actually work. The media covers you because of that public fascination. That’s how fame works!

Maybe if the 49ers had told reporters about their new sports science plan, CMC would have been left alone AND the organization might have earned a little praise for trying something new to keep its veterans healthy for a change. But no, everything’s a damn government secret now. 

Of course, the 49ers organization has had other things on its mind lately. Like hookers!

I’ll merrily make endless fun of 49ers owner Jed York for getting arrested for attempting to solicit a sex worker at 9:30 on Sunday morning in an Ohio trailer park for 160 bucks. Public humiliation is about the only weapon at our disposal against the mega-rich, uber-powerful and ultra-stupid. 

York is reportedly going through a messy divorce, which is sad. But many of my friends and coworkers have gone through messy divorces, while only a small percentage of them ended up frantically soliciting sex workers at a time of day when the vast majority of upstanding citizens are frantically seeking that second cup of coffee. 

I honestly don’t have too much of a problem with horndog multimillionaires indulging in a little pervy poverty tourism, assuming that the liaison is with an autonomous adult (or an undercover cop) and the dimwit is good for the 160 bucks. I have a much bigger problem with horndog multimillionaires who endorse public policies, with their votes/dollars/influence, that pauperize/marginalize/victimize the residents of the neighborhoods they then visit for a little pervy poverty tourism. I have no idea what York’s politics are, mind you, but men of his wealth and predilections are generally of a type, even if they once shook hands with a Democratic governor or whatever.

The York news is certainly new and novel, but we started the summer with Kyle Shanahan letting his Tesla do the driving for him and are now ending it with York letting Little Joe do his driving for him. The 49ers are very distracted drivers these days. Perhaps that's why they paid $60 million for a 33-year-old wide receiver whose body is begging to retire to Western Florida. 

Shanahan, happy to both be feeling better after his accident and no longer the most embarrassing person in the 49ers organization, told reporters that York’s arrest “has no effect on us.” That which cannot injure the 49ers only makes them weirder.  

Let’s circle back to Humphries before I start wondering how many tax dollars are spent by local police departments on Sunday morning prostitution stings. 

Humphries was a capable Cardinals left tackle for years but began to decline in 2023. He started two games for the 2024 Chiefs, who were desperate for a solution at left tackle. The Chiefs decided to move Joe Thuney from guard to left tackle for the playoffs, and Patrick Mahomes barely survived the Super Bowl. Humphries started for the Rams in place of Alaric Jackson last year in Week 17. The Rams lost in Week 17. To the Falcons.

The Humphries acquisition is another example of the Commanders signing a 30-something for a bench role that would probably be better filled by an undrafted rookie with a minimum-wage contract and a sliver of upside.

The Commanders also recently signed Boogie Basham, a 2021 second-round pick by Brandon Beane who has bounced around the benches of the Bills, Giants and Panthers for a few years. Basham is just 28, but that’s 32 in Bills draft blunder years.

Speaking of Bills draft blunders: there’s no new Keon Coleman news. As of early in the week, he’s still wearing a walking boot due to that no-big-deal injury he suffered in the Bills preseason opener on August 15th. So Coleman is still hobbling around at the crossroads.

There has been a little breaking on-field NFL news this week, including a few trades. But even some of that news felt a bit perfunctory. We all knew Kayshon Boutte was going to get traded eventually. I’ll say something about that trade in a moment, though not much.

Late-August NFL news either tastes like a stale leftover or is injury-related, and therefore unfortunate. At least there are now only three preseason games instead of four (or, heaven forbid, six), and the NFL has the good grace to disappear for Labor Day weekend instead of asking us to care about the Cowboys backup quarterback battle for an additional week or two. 

Oh, you weren’t aware that Joe Milton and Sam Howell are in a heated battle for the right to back up Dak Prescott? It’s true. And it’s going down to the wire. Laugh if you like, but either Milton or Howell would be the best quarterback, by far, on the Cleveland Browns.

Around the League

All the news that’s fit to virtually print, and then some. 

Patriots trade WR Kayshon Boutte to Texans for DB Jaylen Reed and change

This is a smart, logical trade that helps both teams and more-or-less analyzes itself. Reed is a young safety that GM Eliot Wolf says the Patriots liked in the 2025 draft. America may run on Dunkin’, but the NFL runs on draft priors. (The Commanders run on 2017 draft priors.)

Mike Vrabel told reporters last week that he won’t play his starters in the preseason because “I don’t think we have a very deep team.” Folks in New England immediately lost their damn minds. Was Vrabel taking a shot at his backups? At Wolf and the front office? Vrabel felt compelled to contextualize his remarks for several paragraphs at a subsequent press conference as if he were in marriage counseling or something. 

You’re the coach, Coach. You are supposed to be dissatisfied with your roster after winning the conference and adding one of the best receivers in the NFL. Heck, Bill Belichick would have clammed up, then removed the Keurig from the media center, if reporters dared to question any element of his roster evaluation. Why are you acting so guilty and miserable about everything? Oh yeah. Almost forgot.

Ben Johnson says left tackle is still a “hot spot” for the Bears

Braxton Jones played left tackle with the Bears starters for one series against the Bengals last week. He blew a block and committed a holding penalty. It was bad, but it was also preseason. 

Jones, who held his own at left tackle from 2022 through 2024, lost his job last year to Theo Benedet, then to second-round pick Ozzy Trapillo, before eventually ending up on IR due to nagging injuries. Trapillo started from Week 12 until he tore a patellar tendon late in the playoff victory over the Packers. The Bears then took a page from the Chiefs playbook and slid Joe Thuney from guard to left tackle for the playoff nailbiter against the Rams.

Trapillo is still working his way back from that January injury. Benedet appears to be best suited for swing tackle work. Former Browns disappointment Jedrick Wills is still hanging around. The Bears are unlikely to find a better option on the trade or waiver wires. There are teams with much better left tackle solutions, but none with four (counting Thuney, not Wills) plausible ones. 

Johnson has a knack for Gloomy Gus messaging. He’s good at tempering expectations while keeping veterans from getting too comfortable. Vrabel was doing the same thing when discussing the Patriots backups. But Jones is a starter, left tackle is a high-leverage position, and Bears fans need something to worry about besides their pass rush. 

Myles Garrett still not practicing for the Rams

Oh, I am not taking this bait. Not after Matthew Stafford spent last training camp in a mobile hyperbolic chamber/1970s conversion van. Garrett’s fine. 

Giants WR Calvin Austin tears ACL in Tuesday practice

Tough break for Austin, who was vying for the slots-and-returns role. The Giants are now down to only about 25 veteran wide receivers. 

Seahawks place rookie DB Bud Clark on season-ending IR

Clark broke his ankle against the Titans on Sunday night. He was one of my favorite rookies, a hard-hitting ballhawk who could play a Nick Emmanwori-type role as a box/slot defender. Emmanwori himself remains out of practice as the Seahawks proceed very carefully with his recovery from early-summer ankle surgery.

Backup offensive lineman Mason Richman also landed on IR after getting hurt on Sunday. Backup receiver Jake Bobo (knee) is also now on IR.

These aren’t major injuries for the Seahawks. But they are the sorts of injuries that whittle a defending champion down, and are later interpreted as a “Super Bowl hangover.”

Kicker Battle Updates

The Jets cut Cade York, meaning Jason Sanders has won their kicking job. Special teams coach Chris Banjo said that the Jets “feel really, really good about what Jason is and where we are with him right now,” so the team is unlikely to scour the waiver wire for a different kicker. Sanders was steady for seven years for the Dolphins before missing 2025 with a hip injury. There will be no one on the waiver wire better qualified than he is. 

Rookie Dominic Zvada has almost certainly beaten lefty Ben Sauls for the Giants’ kicker job. Zvada went 5-for-5 on field goals in Monday’s practice; Sauls 3-of-5. Punter Jordan Stout has done a magnificent job of switch-holding for field goals this summer. That cannot be easy.

The Saints resolved their Tanner Brown-Charlie Smyth kicking dilemma by signing veteran Daniel Carlson, a two-time Pro Bowler for the Raiders. The Saints have had a kicker problem for years, but it went unnoticed due to their many other problems. The Carlson signing means that Matt Gay has likely won the Raiders job, if only by default. 

Former Saints kicker Blake Grupe appeared to be winning the Colts’ kicking job from injured incumbent Spencer Shrader. Then Shrader (ACL) got healthier, while Grupe was asked to kick in actual game situations. Shrader has hit from 53 and 61 yards in preseason games, while Grupe missed a 36-yarder. Grupe went 6-of-8 from 30-39 yards and just 2-of-5 from 40-49 yards before getting released by the Saints last year.

In the realm where Grupe, Smyth, Brown, a lefty who would force you to flip your operation around and Jake Moody are the other options, a kicker like Jason Sanders is king.

49ers trade RB Zamir White to the Saints for LB Deion Jones 

Jones was one of the young stars of the 2016 Falcons; he forced a LaGarrette Blount fumble in the Super Bowl, before The Deluge. He has been bouncing around for the last few years. He spent 2025 as a reserve linebacker and core special teamer for the Buccaneers.

White spent four seasons as a backbencher in the Raiders running back committee. He was a healthy scratch on most Sundays in 2025. The 49ers signed him on August 12th.

So yes, the Saints just traded for a player they could have signed for the veteran minimum two weeks earlier. That’s some real resource-management brilliance for you, brought to you by the general manager who trades up for small-school projects in the draft, uses credit cards to pay off his debt consolidation loans and likes to sign players who are so old that they played for good Falcons teams.

Jones turns 32 in November. He will then be traded to the Commanders.

Rashod Bateman’s accuser recants

The woman who accused Bateman of family violence in early June recanted her account of events in an email to the local district attorney about a week later, per reports.

The woman’s injuries, which were documented by police reports, were “self-inflicted,” per her email, which was made available to the media by Bateman’s lawyer. She says that she claimed that Bateman assaulted her because she was “acting out of emotion.” Other details of the police report, including Bateman's attempts to puncture tires and smash windshields, do not appear to be addressed by the woman’s revised version of the events. But that does not matter. No victim, no crime, or at least no case.

Consider this my formal addendum to Monday’s remarks about Bateman. I will continue to comment upon him as minimally and grudgingly as possible. 

Giants Errata 

Last week, I published some statistical analysis of goalline passing touchdowns. Specifically, I investigated how often quarterbacks threw touchdowns from inside the 10-yard line when scrambling, or at least when out of the pocket.

The statistics I cited in that feature were borked. Really, really borked. “Borked” is a technical mathematical term for higgedly-piggedly.

I don’t want to describe the method error that led to the incorrect stats. I essentially slipped on a mathematical roller skate and fell down an analytical flight of stairs, straight into the improperly-typed-cell-formula interstate. I read some spreadsheet columns incorrectly and moved some decimal places like a third grader who was absent for the first week of percent lessons.

Several of you noticed that something was way off. Let’s correct my math and pretend that the whole thing never happened, if that’s OK with all of you.

NFL passers threw 387 touchdowns on 1,226 dropbacks from the 10-yard line or closer in 2025. That’s a 31.6% touchdown rate per dropback.

NFL passers threw 96 touchdowns on 308 dropbacks from the 10-yard line or closer when outside the pocket in 2025. That’s a 31.2% touchdown rate per dropback.

Therefore, it appears that NFL quarterbacks are just as likely to throw short touchdowns when scrambling or rolling out as when they are in the pocket.

Last week’s little study was conducted in response to a John Harbaugh quote that “most” passing touchdowns from “the red zone” are thrown by a scrambling quarterback looking for a target in the endzone. 

The individual team statistics cited in the original study were accurate. Jaxson Dart and other Giants quarterbacks did not throw any short scrambling touchdowns. Justin Herbert threw eight of them, while Josh Allen and others threw five. Leveraging Dart’s scrambling ability by giving him a receiver like rookie Malachi Fields, who can leap for a few back-of-the-end-zone touchdowns at the ends of scrambles, makes sense for the Giants. About one-fourth of all short touchdown passes occur when the quarterback is on the move, so it’s wise to search for incremental ways to improve the odds in such circumstances.

Sorry for the glitchy data. Its preseason for me too! And soon – mercifully soon – the preseason will end.