Everyone is 5-2 Yet Everyone Blows

A 5-2 record in the NFL ain’t what it used to be.

Teams that started the season 5-2, or 4-2 or 4-1-1, used to be able to hold their heads high. Their fans went through their workweeks blissfully content. A 5-2 start meant validation of the team’s plans. It inspired legitimate hope for a long playoff run.

Now, a 5-2 record is cause for consternation, castigation and despair. Fans are cranky and anxious. Analysts are skeptical.

Sure, Patriots fans are emerging from the hedges with shiny new Drake Maye jerseys and (shrilly, ceaselessly) demanding immediate respect. 49ers fans are rooting for their gnarly Michael Myers-like slasher mascot of a team. And Rams fans … exist, probably. But narrow wins and daring fourth-quarter comebacks are unsatisfactory for many fanbases. Why can’t these disappointing two-loss teams be more like the NFL’s lone undisputed juggernaut: Daniel Jones’ mighty Indianapolis Colts?

This roundup of the league’s hopeless, pathetic 5-2 teams (with some other teams thrown in to cover ties and recent byes) is meant to be just a little tongue-in-cheek. Those who expect forever-perfect football and a Super Bowl parade at Halloween may expect a little too much.

At the same time, this feature also includes lots of real data and some tough-love analysis of many teams’ flaws. None of these teams at or near the top of the standings actually “blow.” But there’s always room for improvement.

(Note: rankings do not include Monday night’s games unless noted.)

Buffalo Bills

Record: 4-2

They Blow Because: They should be 19-0 after six games.

Proof That They Blow:

• Their run defense allows 156.3 yards per game. Only the Dolphins, who gave up tackling for good last December, allow more.
• Josh Allen ranks just 9th in DYAR, 10th in adjusted net yards per pass and 11th (entering Monday night) with 232.8 yards per game. Offensive coordinator Joe Brady should be exiled to Elba for that statistic alone.
• They lost to the Falcons. The Falcons.

Scant Evidence That They Might Be Kinda Good: Whenever they stop goofing around and just play straight-ahead football, they look like they will steamroll their way into the AFC Championship Game without looking back or breaking a sweat.

What’s Next: The upstart Panthers in Charlotte, followed by the Chiefs in Buffalo. As we all expected, the 2025 Bills season – the very future of the current Bills regime – may come down to whether or not their struggling run defense can stop Rico Dowdle.

Denver Broncos

Record: 5-2

They Blow Because: They’re boring.

Proof That They Blow:

• Opponents outscore them 98-92 through the first three quarters.
• Bo Nix ranks 22nd in DYAR, 17th in Adjusted Net Yards per Attempt and 21st in passer rating.
• Nix averages just 4.1 air yards per completion, 28th in the NFL.
• Watching their offense is like watching a student driver trying to parallel park a Ford F-250 in front of a Main Street bar at happy hour. At least until the fourth quarter.
• Opponents average 29.2 yards per kickoff return. Only the Chargers are worse.

Scant Evidence That They Might Be Kinda Good: A league-high 34 sacks, eight more than the second-place Rams.

What’s Next: A Texas two-step, featuring the all-gas/no-brakes Cowboys in Denver, followed by the all-brakes/no-gas Texans in Houston.'

Detroit Lions

Record: 5-2

They Blow Because: They aren’t as good as last year.

Proof That They Blow:

• They’re in second place. Second place is for losers.
• When pressured, Jared Goff still plays like an overcaffeinated chihuahua on rollerblades.
• If anything happened to Amon-Ra St. Brown their passing game would look like the Jets passing game.
• You just know they are gonna lose a playoff game on some unnecessary dipsy-doo trick play.
• These bullet points can be hard to pad out the morning after a two-score victory over a 5-1 opponent.

Scant Evidence That They Might Be Kinda Good: A +64 net point differential, second in the NFL to only the mighty Colts.

What’s Next: Dan Campbell will spend the bye week hunting wildebeests with a spork.

Green Bay Packers

Record: 4-1-1

They Blow Because: They can’t cover the spread and I drafted Matthew Golden in my dynasty league.

Proof That They Blow:

• The Packers are 2-4 against the spread.
• They outscore opponents 24-3 in the first quarter, then try to coast for 45 minutes.
• Jordan Love’s on-target pass rate (Pro Football Reference) of 64.8% ranks 17th in the NFL.
• Tight end Tucker Kraft leads the Packers with 326 receiving yards, which ranked 37th in the NFL entering the Monday night doubleheader.
• A tie? C’mon, now.

Scant Evidence That They Might Be Kinda Good: Their defense allows a league-best 4.48 yards per offensive play, 76.5 rushing yards per game and 50% touchdown rate in goal-to-go situations.

What’s Next: A trip to Pittsburgh for Sunday Night Football, then a Panthers-Eagles homestand. The Packers may face Andy Dalton when they play the Panthers, due to Bryce Young’s ankle injury. Rickety-as-hell backup quarterbacks: their greatest weakness!

Los Angeles Rams

Record: 5-2

They Blow Because: They are sooooo 2021.

Proof That They Blow:

• Sure, they are good at most things. But are they great at anything?
• Joshua Karty is 10-of-14 on field goals, with two missed extra points and that game-losing block against the Eagles.
• A +135 penalty yardage differential, second only to the Bengals’ Mostly Pass Interference offense? Unsustainable fluke.
• Matthew Stafford is a boomer who is only about 20% less of a weirdo than Aaron Rodgers but hides it better.
• Look, they are supposed to be rebuilding and coping with a cap crisis by now, and I am just mad that they aren’t.

Scant Evidence That They Might Be Kinda Good: Their two losses came by a combined score of 10 points, six of which were the result of that blocked last-second field goal. Their last two victories came by a combined 42 points, in difficult weather conditions, in unfamiliar stadiums and time zones.

What’s Next: A bye? What-ever.

New England Patriots

Record: 5-2

They Blow Because: Their schedule consists mostly of mid-majors, marching bands and Tuesday night brewpub trivia teams.

Proof That They Blow:

• Drake Maye has the fourth-highest sack rate (9.82%) in the NFL. Only Justin Fields, the Ghost of Lamar Jackson and Cam Ward have higher rates.
• Hit Rhamondre Stevenson just right and candy and footballs pour out of him.
• The pass defense allows 7.64 yards per play, the third-highest figure in the NFL.
• They are trolling fate by beating the exact same teams they pummelled during Mac Jones’ 2021 hot streak: the Titans (who were admittedly much better back then), Panthers and (up next) the Browns and Falcons.

Scant Evidence That They Might Be Kinda Good: They average 8.23 yards per passing play, second in the NFL. And they sure do look pretty good.

What’s Next: Ohio University, the Berklee College of Music Marching Sousaphones, and the Devil’s Burp Nothing-but-IPAs Brewpub Quizztastics.

Philadelphia Eagles

Record: 5-2

They Blow Because: They are a bunch of whiny underachievers.