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AFC Playoff Preview Extravaganza: Road Warriors

The Chargers-Patriots Hobbyhorse Bowl. The Bills-Jaguars Chaos Bowl. And a ritualistic slaughter of Aaron Rodgers the Texans defense. Get your previews here!

Welcome to the Too Deep Zone AFC playoff preview spectacular. The NFC preview posted a few hours ago. You can find it here.

Let’s get straight into the action! All times Eastern.

Houston Texans at Pittsburgh Steelers: Monday, January 12th, 8:00 PM

How the Steelers got here

This is Steelers football, Bucko! Teams are supposed to aim for 10 wins as if it was some sort of crowning achievement, because seasons are supposed to only be 14 games long! Human civilization peaked in 1975!

The Steelers beat the Ravens 26-24 on Sunday night in an almost surreal display of playground football. Aaron Rodgers picked apart an injury-depleted Ravens secondary with a mix of dinks, dunks and strikes over the middle to unbelievably open receivers. Jaylen Warren and Kenneth Gainwell combined for 173 scrimmage yards and about 40 broken tackles. But the Steelers still needed Tyler Loop to miss a 44-yard field goal at the end of regulation to preserve a victory and win the AFC North.

How the Texans got here

Eight sacks on Josh Allen. Five sacks on Justin Herbert. Five sacks and an interception of Trevor Lawrence in Week 10. Three interceptions of Patrick Mahomes. Three interceptions of Cooper Rush. And so on. The Texans offense also attends their games.

Texans quarterback C.J. Stroud

Basically Joel from The Last of Us.

When the Texans have the ball

Stroud hopes the defense gets him the ball near midfield after a turnover or flurry of sacks. Then he hopes that he doesn’t fall prey to his own flurry of sacks behind the Texans’ Five Randos of the Week offensive line. If he gets 0.08 seconds to throw now and then, Stroud either completes a bomb to Nico Collins or Jayden Higgins or converts enough third-and-mediums to set up a Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal.

T,J. Watt missed the final four games of the season with a punctured lung and was having an off year (by his standards) before that. Fortunately, Nick Herbig and Alex Highsmith picked up much of the pass-rushing slack, while ageless Cam Heyward remained a stalwart in the middle. The Steelers defense improved late in the year after a shaky start. Watt scooped in a tipped Lamar Jackson pass for a key interception on Sunday night.

Jalen Ramsey slid into a slot/safety hybrid role, perfect for covering the many top tight ends and slot specialists the Steelers faced. Asante Samuel materialized late in the year to put out a fire in the secondary and join Joey Porter to form an All I Remember When His Dad Played cornerback tandem.

Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers

Level 20 Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Sorcerer